The Linda B James Blog

The Hidden Art Of Flirting - Part 1

Jul 26, 2014 11:18:00 PM / by Linda B James


My Gosh!  You saw your lover flirting right in front of you. You are in disbelief!  Your're confused because you don't want to acknowledge what you just witnessed.  You ask yourself:

  • "Should I make a big deal about this?" 
  • "Should I remain calm? 
  • "Should I act like I didn't see anything?"  
...the conversation continues in your head, "... I must be seeing things, my partner would not dare disrespect me, especially like this! ...  my partner loves me.  My significant other would never do that.  That's downright inappropriate and I am furious!!"

It really hurts when someone you love flirts with another.  It can even be a potential blow to your self esteem.  Don't you just hate when that happens?  Why do lovers flirt and what can you do about it?

Four things to know...

Please keep the following in mind about this hidden art:

  1. Research shows that flirting is a basic instinct.  After all, that is probably how you hooked up with your partner in the first place.
  2. It can be subtle, overt, nonverbal or verbal.  
  3. It is a universal activity.  People flirt in emails, text messages, online chat rooms and face to face.
  4. This playful business is not limited to humans.  Even mammals and most animals engage in this activity.  A good example is the the male peacock displaying the colors on his tails to signal interest in the peahen. 
As commonplace as it is, humans still have an advantage over animals.  Unlike other species, you can think, reason and thus take control of your coquetry.

The hidden truth...

Back to my earlier point, below are some hidden truths about flirtation:

  • Some committed lovers have a nonchalant attitude and feel that it is acceptable to "sample the menu" by being a little naughty with others.  The flirter will excuse it as harmless; no offense taken.  Besides, the offending flirter rationalizes that their partner will reap the benefits later in the evening as this form of teasing gets them in the "mood for love."  
  • Some offended lovers have their own flirtation sins, so they are not quick to judge. 
  • Some flirters have a double standard; "It is ok for me but not for you."
  • Others are passionate and feel strongly that it should be a "lost art" once you have found your soulmate. Talk show host Steve Harvey has stated that once a man finds the right woman he is likely to stop cheating.  I concur.  Yet, isn't flirting a type of cheating? I consider coquetry as the first stage to unfaithfulness.

  • Word of caution - watch out for the "laissez faire" attitude about this behavior.  Remember Maria Shriver?  In 2003 she stated publicly that she considered her husband Arnold Schwarzenegger to be "honest,... sensitive..." and sincere."  Mind you, there were rumors about his philandering prior to her statement.  Well, we all know how that story ended a few years later...
  • It's a covert operation.  Most flirters try to be subtle out of some sort of twisted respect for their partner.  If confronted, most people will lie.  Denial is a common defense.

Questions to ask yourself ...

 Here are answers to common questions my readers and listeners have asked me:Can someone be in love with their mate and still flirt?

  • YES, some lovers flirt in spite of being in love with their "better half."
  • Does being flirtatious lead to physical cheating?
  • Should I marry someone that flirts habitually?
    • NO WAY, if the writing is "already on the wall."  For the most part, marriage does not change a person.  Remember, the problems that annoy you during the courtship are magnified when you marry.
  • Why is flirtation considered cheating?
    • Because it can lead to romantic fantasies.   
  • Should I confess that I have flirted?
    • NO.  If you had done it occasionally and you have stopped, don't tell.   If this is an ongoing problem, be open about it and seek help.
  • Should I overlook this behavior?
    • NO.  If you suspect your significant other, confront them
  • What are the less obvious forms of flirting?
    • I will cover this in my next blog - Trouble Signs Hidden in Plain Sight.

To your success in love,


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Topics: RELATIONSHIPS - Love and Marriage, RELATIONSHIPS - Love and Intimacy

Linda B James

Written by Linda B James

Radio/TV personality, speaker, media coach and lifestyle expert. Known as The Lady With The Moves and the author of the Simple Treasures series.